Courtney, a catfish story. (nsfw)

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Courtney, a catfish story. (nsfw)

Post by squatta » June 2013

So there I was, in that soft, gooey part of the internet where two mid-late twenty something bros play with each others holes until 4 in the morning. As each new test chamber was cleared, one after the other, egos swelled, and nerds were high-fiving with great vigor.

It was then that a voice, not unfamiliar to our two brave portalers, pierced the early morning ventrilo air with great encouragement.

"Oh yeah baby!, put it in my pooper!" the voice exclaimed repeatedly.

"Dat voice..." I wondered. "So sensual... so feminine..."

As she had so many times before, a young c0urtpants flirted and flaunted her rare online femininity with any of the 3xtremely humiliated bros that were within an earshot. Her presence had become regular, but still mostly a mystery to myself, as I had up to this point been void of opportunities of experiencing the flirtatious wonder of what can now only be considered as one of the most skillful trolls in the history of the internet.

It's safe to say now that I was truly unaware of what I had gotten myself into.

Jealous that a young Matt Rogers could reach me with the ease of a text message, phone numbers were exchanged. And so it began, as it always had...

Image

While I was certainly knowledgeable of the fact that a girl named c0urtney existed on the internet, and had often befriended the DoD nerds, I was in no uncertain terms UNAWARE at the time the level of troll embedded in the very fabric of her DNA.

But with this seemingly innocuous act of exchanged text messages, the unraveling of 8 years worth of exchanged nudes, FedEx'd panties, diamond necklaces, and broken hearts, would ultimately unravel in a web of lies not seen since the Great Guilt Rape of 2008.

"You gotta get dem nudes!" the 3xtremely humiliated brotherhood professed with great anticipation.

Within a few minutes of quiet contemplation and meditation, seeking the guidance from Cthulhu, the Great Old One, I agreed that "dem nudes must be got", for the greater good.

And so began my dance with the goddess of HoN.

As the days passed, one after the other, the 3xtremely excited brethren huddle together with great anticipation as each exchange of text message lead us closer to our ultimate goal of winning the internet.

Image Image

But what were these strange feelings... Did she really want to cuddle with me!?

I couldn't be sure... So I played it cool.

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Over time, even though we both resisted, strong feels inevitably developed.

Knowing how tender my true heart to be, I remained skeptical.

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At last, the first picture was exchanged.

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Unconvinced, I requested more evidence. I was not disappointed, as more pictures followed.

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Image Image


It was then that I thought all was for not, and our femme fatale became quite upset.

Assuring her that the feels flowed through me, I insisted that I was only skeptical because I'd seen the pictures and heard the stories of online love affairs past. She attempted to explain in interpretive dance utterly ridiculous story telling, and did not disappoint.




Even still, something didn't seem right about this, and the 3xtreme brotherhood agreed.

"We must investigate this further, for the internet!" expressed an intrigued Guilherme, and investigate we did.

We collected as much evidence as we could.

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Even Ricky tried to help.

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"Make her hold a spoon!", the 3xtreme brethren insisted!. But to no avail, she resisted.

The investigation continued in earnest...

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Annoyed with my attempts to attain more photographic evidence, princess c0urtpants finally agrees to update us as to her current appearance.

And finally, the smoking gun emerges...

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At first, nothing seemed out of place. It wasn't until a few days later that I noticed that our friend appears to be holding an iphone, while she continues to text the brethren via her android.

Ricky, fortunately taking a break from moonshinin and skinnin coons, jumped into action, and took his talents to google image search.

Before long, the 8 year trail of lies began to unravel, post haste.

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Wait.. could this be just a fake facebook account??

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Instagram too?

But wait, didn't Courtney and Brittany meet??

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No, no they didn't...

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Within hours, facebook messages were exchanged...

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And bottoms were gotten to...

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And at last, the true c0urtpants was revealed...

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...

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---

Credits:
Matt Rogers - Portal bro, trollolololol assisting.
Ricky Schwisow - Wild Card, google image searching.
Guilherme Emanuel Garcia Barbosa - Moral support, epic name.
Dan Schey - Elderly analysis.
Kevin Gardner - Complaining about having a real job.
Joel Edmunds - Lurking.
Laura Schwalb - Complaining about not being a catfish.

---

Disclaimer: Obviously, whoever "Courtney" really is, she has invested much into this scheme over the last 8 years, and evidently has some personal issues worth taking the time to get help for and work through. I certainly hope she does that, and uses this experience to learn from her mistakes and hopefully be able to accept herself for who she is, even on the interwebs. My objective in posting this thread was purely for the entertainment of the community, but I have no desire to be cruel to "Courtney", even if she truly does deserve it. It is for this reason that names and facebook addresses have been blurred out, in addition to protecting the identity of the woman that "Courtney" was impersonating, and why I won't be releasing that information publicly. By all means enjoy yourselves, but any attempts on this forum to bully, harass, or humiliate any of the involved parties in excess publicly will be dealt with swiftly.

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Re: Courtney, a catfish story. (nsfw)

Post by mogers » June 2013

Image

Image

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Re: Courtney, a catfish story. (nsfw)

Post by knockout » June 2013

firstsecond in legend.

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Re: Courtney, a catfish story. (nsfw)

Post by Theworst » June 2013

A+

Image
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Re: Courtney, a catfish story. (nsfw)

Post by Todo » June 2013

You think you're any better, mr. kale shake? Yeah. You lie too.

But really, top notch stuff. Congrats to whoever caught the iphone/android bit. Bravo.

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Re: Courtney, a catfish story. (nsfw)

Post by wintehs » June 2013

Image


Pretty sure this beats ANYTHING Kirk is gonna post for his top 5... best forum post I've ever seen

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Re: Courtney, a catfish story. (nsfw)

Post by avenger » June 2013

amazing.

however i lost my shit when i saw:

Dan Schey - Elderly analysis.

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Re: Courtney, a catfish story. (nsfw)

Post by knockout » June 2013

Dan Schey - Elderly analysis.

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Re: Courtney, a catfish story. (nsfw)

Post by laura » June 2013

Image

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Re: Courtney, a catfish story. (nsfw)

Post by milo » June 2013

LOL THIS SHIT IS INDEED CRAY

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Re: Courtney, a catfish story. (nsfw)

Post by kirk » June 2013

Sears wrote:"Make her hold a spoon!", the 3xtreme brethren insisted!. But to no avail, she resisted.

Wonder who suggested this one. Ricky should have known better. The moment spoon pics were denied is the moment you have absolute evidence that some fraudin' is going on. No one can out-trick spoon pics.

I say this as someone who has always found this girl to be profoundly obnoxious, but I feel pretty awful for c0urtney. As you learn about the pervasiveness and extent of her lies and attempts to garner attention and affection, it's not a stretch to imagine that she has something going on. As in, she legitimately needs psychological help. Like, badly.

So I imagine this thread might go in the direction of flaming, but not from me. Girl needs help, not more reasons to hate her life.

Regardless, sound detective work, 3h.
Last edited by kirk on June 2013, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Courtney, a catfish story. (nsfw)

Post by rolyat » June 2013

Fuck

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Re: Courtney, a catfish story. (nsfw)

Post by ward » June 2013

knockout wrote:
Dan Schey - Elderly analysis.

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Re: Courtney, a catfish story. (nsfw)

Post by knockout » June 2013

Image

that's me on the left

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Re: Courtney, a catfish story. (nsfw)

Post by wintehs » June 2013

knockout wrote:Image

that's me on the left


I'd put it in your butt

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Re: Courtney, a catfish story. (nsfw)

Post by joeledmunds » June 2013

Extensive work was indeed put into this, I just spent a solid 2-3 days catching up on the chat.

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Re: Courtney, a catfish story. (nsfw)

Post by motive » June 2013

this

wat

this

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Re: Courtney, a catfish story. (nsfw)

Post by lowcarb » June 2013

Uh, Scott, we've met -- you're definitely the one on the right.

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Re: Courtney, a catfish story. (nsfw)

Post by taylor » June 2013


dat xero
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Re: Courtney, a catfish story. (nsfw)

Post by dat xero » June 2013

LOL. this thread legit had me laughing and I don't even know any of the parties involved (in reference to yourself and your friends and whatnot). good laugh haha

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Re: Courtney, a catfish story. (nsfw)

Post by Rambizzle » June 2013

the truth shall set you free.

Image

Really though, a lot of time went into getting to the bottom of this... I regret nothing, not even inadvertently fapping to the wrong girl.

I wish everyone could have been there the moment I found the REAL girls facebook... so many feels.

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Re: Courtney, a catfish story. (nsfw)

Post by SKiNnTo » June 2013

Still Laughing @ the thread title, stand by. When is the movie coming out?

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Re: Courtney, a catfish story. (nsfw)

Post by moosh » June 2013

Image
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Re: Courtney, a catfish story. (nsfw)

Post by badnewspanda » June 2013

BITCHES DAD MUST PUT OLIVER TO SHAME AMIRITE?!

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Re: Courtney, a catfish story. (nsfw)

Post by SKiNnTo » June 2013

Why we trolling my sister on the internet? Congrats on the effort you put into it!

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