knockout's 2019 DoD Draft Big Board

[knockout]

1. fluxx
If you've ever talked to fluxx and never actually played video games with or against him, you might believe he's the greatest gamer to ever walk the earth. You would also know he's probably legally retarded and would totally be the type to hack in an online dod draft tournament in 2019, and for that reason alone, he's my #1 overall player in this year's tournament.

NBA Player Comparison: Terry Rozier

2. toxinator
Despite having met the man in person, I honestly, truly think he is just a dod bot. He's like a computer program set to frag dod nerds, and it never crashes or lags. I've witnessed zero personality from him over years of online casual encounters, regardless of how scantily clad I was. Although I guess I shouldn't have been dressing like that if I didn't want him raping me.

NBA Player Comparison: Kawhi Leonard

3. milo
I don't know if milo ever played dod before it died after WSVG. However, I played with him a whole bunch when dod was super dead despite having an online league for it. He heavied for my team and would honestly average like 40 kills a half while not talking and probably just listening to underground hip hop in his headphones. He probably had mumble muted half the time I'm willing to bet. I'm pretty sure he was like 12 years old at the time, which would put him in his gaming prime right now. You know that time right when you get out of college but you don't have a job yet, so you go live at home and play video games for 12 hours a day. And then one day your dad comes home and tells you he's sick. Very sick. And you're facing huge financial hardships, so your dad quits his job as a high school chemistry teacher to sell meth, and you talk all stupid and walk all fucked up like Jimmy Valmer from South Park. Wait nevermind I'm thinking of something else. Putting milo ahead of jules because I remember just how much he hated him, and I like milo.

NBA Player Comparison: Kemba Walker

4. jules
Can anyone prove that jules wasn't actually toxinator hosted on a second virtual machine in the same data center toxinator was hosted in?
NBA Player Comparison: Kawhi Leonard, but the cloned version

5. moneyb
Hey anyone want to hear the story about how I started playing dod competitively? No? Well I was pubbing dod with my cs clan, NetFragz, at the time. We noticed the best player in the server had a name that was fun to say, so we asked him if he would scrim with us, fully expecting him to ignore us or tell us to fuck off. Anyway, that guy was money-b, and he ended up being the nicest dude on the planet and got us a scrim against the 2nd nicest dudes on the planet, a team called ronin. That was how I met money-b, created dodealers with my other cs friends I pulled over to the dark side along with money-b and the ronin guys, and the rest is really gay history. Money-b was a really good sniper when he wanted to be.

NBA Player Comparison: Russell Westbrook

6. bewton
There's so much to say about Bewton, but what hasn't he already said about himself? A once self-proclaimed top underrated rifle in dod, bewton once again may find himself being underrated in this tournament of champions and scholars in 2019. As one of the old guard of this draft class, he's arguably the most accomplished player in the pool, all things considered. But who am I to speculate on the proper positioning of bewton, when he ultimately is the one who decides how properly his skillset is viewed in the dod community?

NBA Player Comparison: Kyrie Irving

7. ck
Another guy who I'm not sure played dod before it died, he sure as hell played it after. Man, this guy really loved to play dod. I wish I ever had as much passion for anything in life as cK had for organizing 12mans/scrims. I'm pretty sure people played this game for multiple seasons solely because cK wouldn't stop messaging them to ring. Entire teams were created by players who met each other through cK organizing pug teams to play against his in a scrim. If there's ever a dod hall of fame, cK definitely makes it in as a contributor to the game. As for as a player? Good enough for a first round 2019 online draft tournament pick on my board.

NBA Player Comparison: Vince Carter

8. sheen
I feel like I've played with him quite a bit and know nothing about him. He's one of those guys where I have no opinion on him other than I know he likes to play video games and he's pretty good at them, but people keep referencing him to me. It's really weird. I think this guy has a huge personality but just refuses to let me in on it. I'm kind of offended. But much like gauging him as a person, I don't know where he falls in this draft. Not sure, but I'm willing to bet he's no worse than the 9th best player in this pool.

NBA Player Comparison: Gordon Hayward

9. ziggy
That's my dog's name and my dog dumps ass

NBA Player Comparison: Paul Pierce

10. blech
Once a famed cheater known as Dark_Phantom36, he had his Negan-esque redemption arc. After dod died, he stuck around playing now as blech, and was good but had a bunch of dookie ass teammates. That's going to prove to have given him invaluable experience, as that's a situation he's sure to encounter in this draft. I see him going in the late first/early second round and being tasked with the burden of carrying 5 guys that don't speak English.

NBA Player Comparison: Anthony Davis

11. hildebrand
There was like a week of pugs where I was convinced hildebrand hacked during the final TPG days. That's pretty much all I got on this. He'll go early

NBA Player Comparison: Jeremy Lin

12. scrd
Undoubtedly the oldest player in this draft, Jeff will be on his way home from a senior discounted Moons Over My Hammy at Denny's with his wife Ethel and their friends from church, Cecil and Eleanor. He'll likely start off slow, but once the arthritis medication starts kicking in, he'll start remembering a bunch of set grenades to kill a a lot of unsuspecting newbies.

NBA Player Comparison: Uncle Drew

13. arn
That's a name I remember. Much like in the NFL/NBA drafts, these are the picks where you just want to get a guy whose name you know. Remember when RJ Hunter hit that big shot in March Madness with his dad coaching the team and it was a real nice moment? And then when Boston drafted him late in the first round people were thinking it would be a nice sleeper pick? Yeah, it's kinda like that.

NBA Player Comparison: RJ Hunter

14. devin
He's got to be like 19 by now and in his gaming prime. I refuse to believe he won't be one of the best players in this tournament, and if he's available at 14, he'll be the steal of the draft.

NBA Player Comparison: Isaiah Thomas

15. mogers
YO DIS MAH FUCKIN BOOOOOOOYY. Tyler Herro a great fit in Miami.

NBA Player Comparison: Anthony Davis, Karl Athony Towns, Devin Booker, Willie Cauley-Stein, Eric Bledsoe, Bam Adebayo, DeMarcus Cousins, Patrick Patterson, Jamal Murray, Nerlens Noel, De'Aaron Fox, Rajon Rondo, Julius Randle

16. cAss
The only non-North American player on my board, he just rounds out the top 16. A Juan of all trades, cAss was most effective as a sniper if I recall. He speaks English fluently, so he'll be invaluable as a foreign teammate who won't have a massive language barrier. He also works in esports so I'm willing to be he still frags.

NBA Player Comparison: Leandro Barbosa


I'm Scott Gordon, ESPN

[knockout]

Absolutely 0% of this is to be taken seriously. ILY all <3, and I hope you laugh at least once

[mogers]

Phenomenal!

[Cory Cory! Price]

this is the greatest writing i never knew i was missing. bewtyful for reals.

[k4b00m]

I enjoyed the story of how you got into competitive DoD. Well done.

[money-b]

I agree Tyler Hero is a great fit #HEATCULTURE

[dorito]

where do i upvote this?

[hildebrand]

a true dod forum post *tear*

[cassinoroyale]

Exceptional read, except that my english is still broken af.
I wish I had my nerd office up and running by the time the draft took place.

Damn I miss playing dod.